Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 1:39PM I think you can always tell when a blogger has a new baby.. the posts are few and far between and just include a lot pictures. Kinda like this:
Zoë is 6 weeks old today. Just tell me how cute she is...
Baby Girl Sunday, December 9, 2007 at 10:20AM 
As a parent around the holidays, you want to do all these things to create fabulous memories of the season for your kids. In 20 years I want to show them pictures and videos of when they were little and the beginnings of all the wonderful holiday traditions you still force upon them to that day. One of those perfect Hallmark commercial traditions I insist on forcing BECAUSE ITS FUN DAMN IT is cookie making. What could be more fun for a 3 1/2 year old than rolling and cutting out candy cane, gingerbread men and star shapes in the soft cookie dough? Oh, I don't know.. maybe EATING the raw cookie dough? Or throwing it? Or rolling it, throwing it and then eating it?
As we were frosting the cookies I laid the ground rules. NO EATING the cookies or the frosting. I turn around for one minute to shift through the cabinet for more food coloring and when I turn back, Lucas is literally spooning the sugar frosting into his mouth.
Hhhhmmm.. what do you think happens when your already hyper preschooler consumes about a cup of sugar frosting?
So happy that my baby is a girl.. a sweet, calm baby girl..
Thursday, December 6, 2007 at 1:17PM 
Aaahh, the joys of Christmas pasts..
But as you can tell by the look on his face, this was from before we could start using Santa to attain good behavior and clean(er) rooms. But I will say that I'm not quite sure how long we will really be able to use Santa for all his goodness.
The week of Thanksgiving we were lucky enough to make two different trips to two different malls (with the infant and the 3.5 year old, yes, I am INSANE). Both times Lucas was lucky enough to pop in to just say "hi" to Santa. But he did have questions.. "Why is Santa here at the this mall and at the Outlet mall?" he asks me. I tell him that Santa is MAGIC! and can be everywhere at the same time. He seems to like the fact that Santa is MAGIC!, and stops with that particular line of questioning.
Which, not to veer too far off topic, but the movie "The Polar Express", good for the little ones because it's all about Santa being real? Bad because it starts the dialogue that there really might not be a Santa? Or whatever because at 3 1/2 all they care about it the cool train and the song where all the kids get hot coco?
So, we've really been pushing the "I'll call Santa!" line. To the point that we pick up the phone and pretend to dial his number and talk to him. Which ,we thought, installed the fear of the no-toys-god into the kid. Then yesterday when I told him not to be sassy and talk back to me, Lucas looked at me and said "That's it! I'm calling Santa!" and using his hand as his phone, he "dialed the number" then put his hand to his ear and said "Hi Santa, this is Lucas. I'M being good but my Mommy is being mean and telling me to listen. Uh-Huh... Uh-Huh.. Ok, bye!" He then "hangs up the phone" and looks at me and exclaims "Santa said NO TOYS for you!"
Sunday, December 2, 2007 at 10:03AM It's funny how your subconscious knows things that maybe you haven't quite remembered outwardly. That feeling of something not being right, but not being able to put your finger on *just what it is*. Just like how your muscles remember how to do things when they are trained how to do them.
I've been in a bit of a funk all week. All week, I kept thinking about how much I used to love December and now, for some reason, my anxiety creeps in and I almost fear December. This week, I've blamed exhaustion, the weather, my oh-so-annoying too fat for my regular clothes/not big enough for maternity clothes stage and the fact that after 4 weeks, I still don't feel anywhere near my normal self. Fears of being diagnosed with postpartum depression have also seeped into my mind.. bringing forth more anxiety and more worry.
Last night we braved the cold (hahaha. Hey, it was in the 50's! That's COLD for us!) and went to our local Holiday parade. We love this parade as it has this total small-town feeling, something that we don't often get nestled in the 6th largest city in the country. I bundled us all up tight and worried about little Zoë catching a chill. At one point, I looked down at her, snuggled up so tight and sleeping through all the excitement... and I flashed back. Flashed back to 3 years ago, 12/2/2004, at Christmas on the Prado, a large San Diego holiday event at Balboa Park, Jason and I all excited to be celebrating Lucas' first Christmas. We looked down at our precious 9-month old baby, sleeping in his stroller, and we noticed that his lips were bright red. At first we commented on how cute his little red lips were. Then we started to worry that he had gotten too cold, I worried that when he was eating off my plate he ate something that he was having an allergic reaction to.. little did we know... Little did we know that two days later Lucas would be admitted to the hospital to be treated for Kawasaki Disease.
As far as "horrific diseases that your children can get" go, it could have been worse. Then again, it could have been worse if we hadn't taken him to Children's Hospital and just happen to have the assistant of one of the best KD doctors in the country standing there in the ER, called in to check on another child suspected of having KD. But for me, it was as if the bottom was falling out. Our pediatrician mentioned KD when we first brought Lucas in, but at that point she said it was only a 10% chance that is what he had. By the time we made it to Children's Hospital, it was a 30% chance, then as the test started coming back - the percentages got higher and higher. At this point for us, it was worst case scenario. It was this this experience, the "what ifs" of the situation, seeing my baby in a hospital bed and hearing him wailing in pain as they stuck him over and over with needles, that caused me to be diagnosed with postpartum depression 9-months after giving birth. And its those memories, those feelings and those sights and sounds that I fear now will haunt me every December. Even though I know that everything is okay.. sometimes the power of your brain just sucks.
Lucas, 3 years after Kawasaki Disease
Saturday, December 1, 2007 at 10:07AM 
Today, my little peanut princess is one month old. It's that strange juxtaposition of "one month already?" and "I can't even remember life without her." This month has been a blur of feedings and diaper changes and trips to the pediatrician, but Zoë is doing fabulously. I laugh, and do others, when I say that she is now almost 6 lbs. Which, while shows fabulous growth for her, is hilarious that she is still a good 2 lbs less than what most babies are when they are born.
I will admit that the clothes issue is becoming a bit frustrating. Since June I’ve been fantasizing about all the adorable pink clothes I would dress her up in. I have adorable little dresses, tights, sweaters and matching hats just sitting there.. waiting.. waiting for a baby that is big enough to fit into the 0-3 months size. And don’t get me going on SHOPPING. Well, lets just say that we saved a lot of money this month because she still swims in even the Target brand Circo “newborn” size. I will say though, Zoë looks quite nice in bright pinks and even nice lavenders, while the gender generic yellows and greens really aren’t her thing..
This month, we’ve also gotten to see more and more pieces of Zoë’s personality. She likes to be held and cuddled. She can’t stand being put down if she is awake and much prefers sleeping cuddled close to Mama than in her princess perfect bassinette. Even though it’s only about a foot away from me, it’s apparently a foot too far away. She’s also fiery, which “they” say the little ones always are. When she’s hungry, and I’ve gone a moment longer than she would prefer, she tilts her head back and lets out this high-pitched wail that I translate to meaning “Bitch, where is that BOOB?!” She won’t really take a pacifier (blessing or curse?), even though I think that she would love it if she gave it a chance. I keep trying desperately to get her to use it (hey, my nips need a break every once in awhile), sometimes she will suck on it for a few minutes, while other times she will gag and look at me like “what are you doing to me woman?!” The only other time she really belts it out is, unfortunately, while I’m trying to play dress up with her. This pretty much consists of our twice a week game of “what fits Zoë now?” She’s not all that into playing with me though..she’s apparently not found of laying there naked. Good thing though, one that I hope stays with her through her college “ramen” days and doesn’t tempt her into anything unsavory. Because, like Chris Rock says, when you have a girl, your main parenting goal is to “keep her off the pole.” 
This stage, the stage before they start smiling and exhibiting any real emotion, is a bit difficult. I pour love and affection into her hour after hour, day after day, and I’m mostly met with this look of concern. She always looks so worried, and while I know she just doesn’t have the ability to make any other expression, in my sleep deprived state it makes me a bit sad that she always has this look about her like she’s afraid we are going to leave her or drop her on her head. Which I’m pleased to report, we have yet to do. And Lucas makes sure of that. While he has never once asked to send her back, he does ask if we are leaving or taking her every time we leave the house, but it’s more because he wants to make sure she’s included in our lives rather than he doesn’t want her to come along. 
Lucas just loves her, and just wants to help and give hugs and kisses. Jason and I were very concerned about Lucas’ transition into big brotherhood, but honestly, he adapted quicker and easier than we did! While it’s a very natural progression to add a child into our lives, it has been an interesting month. With number 2 you don’t get a “maternity leave”. You don’t have a grace period where it’s okay to stay in your PJs all day, laying on the couch sobbing over “The Baby Story” and holding your baby. You have the baby and BAM, you are right back into real life. Now, if we don’t leave the house all day, Lucas is jumping off the walls and by the time Jason comes home from work the house is a mess, every dish is dirty, every toy on the floor and I’m ready for a bottle of Chardonnay. But the good news is that Zoë successfully took a bottle the other night, and for the first time in a month, I left the house by myself and wandered around Target for an hour or so.
Next Tuesday I’m going out to dinner with the ladies that I have been consulting with this year. When I accepted the invite, I said that I may have Zoë with me.. but now that she took the bottle, and I’m beginning to store up some milk in the freezer, I could leave her for the evening. The thing is, I’m not sure that I really want to.. It’s one thing to run to Target for diapers, it’s another to revert back to something I would do, without a second thought, before she was here.
It’s interesting having a baby girl also. My mom and I are very close and have a good relationship, and she always has said that she hoped one day I would have a girl.. to be able to have a person to have the type of relationship that we have. And while my mom and I argue about the typical mom/daughter things, I talked to her more than I talk to anyone else (besides Jason, of course), and know that she really is my best friend. The other day as I was feeding her, I looked down at Zoë and wondered, did I give birth to my future best friend?
Zoë has been a magical person since the day she was conceived. We found out I was pregnant with her almost one year to the date that my Grandma, Alyce, died. She was due in November, the month of my Grandma’s birthday. And my Grandma’s dying words to my cousin were “When I get to heaven, I’m sending you and Beth baby girls..” Zoë Alyce was born on November 1st – day of the dead – a day that we celebrate the lives of those who have passed… and Zoë, a greek name meaning “life”. At certain times, I also think she looks like my Grandma.. her chin, her little lips… Also there is the fact that my Grandma loved little things and Zoë certainly qualifies in that category. At least this month.
