My foray into bad, bad romance novels

I was in a big of a reading rut a few months ago. Trudging through book four of the Game of Thrones series had left me on a book downturn, opting to play Words with Friends at night before bed rather than my usual reading time. Then I read the 50 Shades series, and kicked off a reading frenzy… of really freaking bad books.

After reading 50 Shades I started reading all the posts and reviews online about the series,  and who may possibly play whom in the movie, which led me to multiple articles on what to read next. Since I haven’t read a Harlequin since the summer I worked as a swim teacher back in college, these lists were all books I had never read or heard of that were cheap or even free on iBooks.

So a’downloading I went.

Each book was stupider than the next, yet I still read on. It’s completely embarrassing that I gobble these lame stories with horrible writing up as much as I have… but after the month we had, I guess I just needed a mental break from reality. As I read on though, I discovered something about these books. More than just a formula for how the story develops, the similarities ran very deep. And while yes, all men in romance novels have chiseled abs and all women have full, creamy breasts – these book’s characters all have the SAME characteristics. Note that some of the books I’ve read came out a few years ago – before the 50 Shades series. So it’s not who’s copying who in these books, its more this is the reality of a romance novel.

So single ladies out there, listen up! To land the love of your life, keep these things in mind..

Things I Learned About Love/Attraction from Romance Novels

Men like clumsy women

According to romance lit lore, there is nothing more appealing to a man than a woman who stumbles and falls – a lot. Apparently there is something endearing or cute about a woman who can’t walk through a doorway without ending up on the floor. Interesting side note – these same women only seem to fall during innocent times such as business meetings or while in the kitchen on a stool. Never when they have been talked into wearing 5-inch stilettos to a nightclub.

Virgins/Inexperienced Women Have More/Better Orgasms

Screw the sexual prime of your late 30’s early 40’s – apparently the best sex of your life is really if you’ve managed to hold out your virginity until your early 20’s. Then BAM! You are suddenly squealing like a porn star in night one.

Men Like Smart, Driven Woman With No Self Confidence

The billionaire may want you to be his kept woman, but HELLZ NO – you WANT to work 10 hours a day in your crappy job because GOD DAMNIT I’M WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. But I’ve never felt pretty, my hair is a disaster and I don’t like to shop because I hate to look at myself in the mirror and HOW COULD this beautiful, rich, powerful man find ME attractive?

Because really, I meet powerful working women with no confidence all the time – don’t you?

Men Like It When You Bite Your Lip

Whatever. Want to turn a man on – according to EVERY ROMANCE NOVEL written, just bite your lip in mock concentration. He will apparently take you then and there.

The Hot Guy You Hate and Think is a Total Jerk is the Man You Will End Up With

Duh. Ladies, don’t bother dating the men you like and are nice to you – waste. Of. Time! Look for the ones that make your blood boil and that you consider slapping on a daily basis. That’s the man for you.

Men CAN Commit Early In A Relationship

Is it really the ultimate fantasy of a woman to have a guy on his knees crying and pledging his undying love for you after one date? Really? That’s not just a tad bit creepy/needy to you? According to romance books, us women want a guy to follow us, stalk us and be within 5 minutes of us at all times even if we’ve demanded a night out with our friends.

****

What I really want to read is 50 Shades A 10 Year Anniversary. Will they still be taking themselves to the red room of pain after dealing with an 8 YO with ADHD and a 6 year old that throws tantrums like a 16 YO? How often will she be feeling that quickening when she can’t sneeze without peeing a little? And, the question WE ALL WANT to know – will she still be able to keep those silver balls in after a few kids?

Wine Wednesday - I'm getting #UnCorked With California Wine Club

HILARIOUS cocktail napkin and my new motto

I love coming home to packages at my front door. There is no better treat than unpacking something...tearing through the cardboard box, rummaging through the packing materials....especially if what's inside is WINE. 

This Friday, California Wine Club is taking me and four other fabulous lady bloggers on a wine tasting trip up to Santa Barbara County to seriously wine and dine us...and give us a taste of the flavors that come regularly with their wine club. Central California wine country is one of my favorite places in the world. The beauty of the hills and vineyards and the quaintness of the little towns gives Napa a run for it's money. Just the thought of spending the day with some of my favorite ladies, sipping wine while learning more about the Santa Ynez region puts me in my happy place...

While you may not be able to be there physically with us, please follow along with us virtually for a day long #UnCorked virtual party to see what we're up to, the hilarious things we are saying - oh yea, and the chance to win some amazing prizes from California Wine Club. 

First: Make sure you are following all the Hot Mamas on the Wine Trip: 

(Name-blog name - twitter handle - Instagram handle )

• Candice - Fashionably Organized - @FashOrganized - fashionablyorganized
• Kadi - Skimbaco Lifestyle  - @kadiprescott - kadiprescott
• Kim - kimtracyprince - @kimtracyprince - kimtracyprince
• Romy - Romy Raves - @romyraves - romyraves
• Me (duh) @HipMamaB

Also be sure to follow our host is California Wine Club @cawineclub (cawineclub on Instagram) and our tour guide Jon Boring @boringwineguy (how hilarious is that?!). 

Keep an eye out for us all over Twitter and Instagram as we tour Dierberg Vineyard, Gainey Vineyard and Fess Parker Winery for your chance to win prizes such as:

• 6 bottle wine tote
• California Wine Club T shirt
• 2 packs of wine
• $100 bottle of Pinot Noir
• Wine tasting, smooth jazz CD

Follow us all day... as I'm sure the tweets and updates will get, um..."better" as the day goes on!

real sign in my kitchen!

Also, if you are looking for the perfect gift for the Dad or Grad in your life - or just need a little more "Carpe Vino" in your life, I have a special for you!

Use the promo code TRIP12 on the California Wine Club website and:

Send a 3-month gift and get the 4th month for free

OR

Try out The California Wine Club for yourself and get 4 bottles for the price of 2 bottles in their first shipment with no obligation to stay.

Whoo hoo! More wine!

Now.. what will I WEAR?!

Fashion Find FLASH: The battle of the linen pants

Fashion Find Flash by hipmamab featuring linen beach pants

This weekend I tried on a pair of light coral/orange linen pants at Anthropologie. Comfy and flowy with a roll-over top, I immediately imagined myself in a tank top and fedora rocking these pants all summer long. But the $98 price tag made me stop and think... I know I had seen linen pants in other stores, so I passed on them to do my "due diligence" to make sure I got the BEST pair for the BEST price. 

Today, I ran into my local Nordstrom Rack and low and behold, right there, not 5 steps into the store, were a pair of roll over linen pants in coral by Bella Dahl. And? $39. BAM. I bought them without even trying them on. And they are fabulous. At that price, I may consider going back for another pair in a different color!

So RUN to your local Nordstrom Rack right now, because I'm sure they won't be there long. 

*note - they are very long.. wondering what length to hem to? I'm thinking flip flop length... 

HipMamaB San Diego: Make Sure You Are Ready For Summer With European Wax Centers

If you've been reading my site for awhile you know that 18 months ago we moved...we moved a whopping 6 miles that changed almost every aspect of our world. One of those aspects was that with that six miles, I ended up moving about 20 minutes away from my waxer. While 20 minutes may not seem to far to drive for a good wax...it just became more difficult. And unfortuntately, I've had a year of giving up things that make my life more difficult than it needs to be. That's when I discovered the European Wax Center in Bressi Ranch (Carlsbad, CA). 

I'm a busy mom with a very, very insane schedule that changes - a lot. I often say I can't plan things more than 4 days in advance, because really, no matter how hard I try, things are always changing on me. European Wax Center (EWC) has really great hours, and 7 days a week there is someone there for an emergency wax job. No matter how I try to plan, there are always those last minute "Hey want to go to the pool tomorrow?" crises when you are 3 days out from your scheduled wax. And even better, if I can't make my appointment it's NOT a problem! I don't need to give them 24 hours or be charged a fee, and I can almost always get a make-up appointment same day or when I need it. 

And honestly, they just do a really good job. I've had a few different estheticians at EWC over the past year and they have all done equally great jobs. While no waxing will ever be totally pain-free, EWC's process is MUCH more comfortable than most. EWC is very unique in that the wax that they use was exclusively developed in Paris for European Wax Center, contains no alcohol, is 100% natural beeswax and the finest polymers and as a result there is much less pain, irritation and redness. Also, there is no double dipping/recycling of the wax they use, so it is very sanitary. Additionally, they also offer a line of their own products to help minimize hair growth between visits and stop pesky ingrown hairs. 

Quick. Easy and the prices are good. I'm a total convert. 

While I've been going to EWC for over a year now, a few weeks ago they asked me for help promoting their services at their San Diego and Temecula locations with a giveaway to my readers. While EWC has more than 241 salons across the nation, this giveaway is specific to my local readers in San Diego, CA and Temecula, CA (sorry everyone else!).

So let's get ready for summer with a giftbasket that includes the following! 

- A Wax Service of YOUR Choice (valid at any EWC San Diego or Temecula, CA locations)

- Slow It Body Wash

- Slow It Body Lotion

- Ingrown Hair Serum

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Good luck and happy waxing!

*Disclosure: While I have been paying to go to EWC for over a year, and all the opinions are my own, I was given a free wax and free gift basket of goodies in return for hosting this giveaway. 

Help Make ME A Style Setter for Fashion Valley Mall!

You know I'm a mall rat, right?

Maybe it's the OG 1980's/1990's Valley Girl in me, but I think I may have spent a good quarter of my life inside various malls. Between working at malls in High School and College to working across from them and working-out in them, I seem to always be going to or coming from one mall or another. And now it may finally pay off!

Yesterday I was notified that I'm a finalist for Simon Mall's Style Setter of the Fashion Valley Mall. If you know San Diego, you know that this is THE mall of the city. All the top stores from Tiffany and Co. to Louis Vuitton to Bloomingdales, Nordstrom, Macys AND Nieman's calls this mall their home. If you are looking for premiere shopping in San Diego - this is your heaven. And I may be the blogger chosen to get special perks, previews and inside information on all things shopping and style. 

{{SQUEAL}}

Yes, opportunities like this make me giddy. 

While it's not the final decision, they are asking for some voting love from my adoring fans... (ahem). So here is where I ask oh so politely if you would please mosey over to the Fashion Valley Mall Facebook Page and vote for me. 

You can vote as many times as you would like (hint, hint) voting ends May 31st. 

Wish me luck!