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Entries in funny (2)

Friday
Mar082013

Friday Funny: Because We Could All Use a Laugh...

The days of the forwarded emails have passed... but my Mom sent me this one that made me giggle, so I thought I would share it here... 

HER DIARY.....
Tonight my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was out shopping with friends all day, and thought he was upset at the fact that I was late, but he made no comment.

The conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong, and he said "Nothing". I asked if it was my fault he was upset, and he said he wasn't upset, it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving.

I cannot explain his behavior, and don't understand why he couldn't say 'I love you too'.

When we got home I felt like I'd lost him completely.....as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. 15 minutes later he came to bed, but I still felt he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep, I cried. 

I am almost positive his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY......
Motorcycle won't start.....can't figure out why.

 

#TRUTH

 

Monday
Aug162010

Monday Funny: Lost Cat. It's a Design Thing..

If you need a smile on this Monday morning, you've come to the right place. This was an email forward I received that had me in tears. If you have ever had the pleasure of working with a creative-type, may I suggest peeing before you read this to avoid an accident.

 

Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help with a lost poster. This is their email correspondence...

 

From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  9.15am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Poster


Hi 
I  opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got  out and has been missing since then so I was  wondering if you are not to busy you could make  a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will  photocopy it and put it around my suburb this  afternoon.



This is the only  photo of her I have she answers to the name  Missy and is black and white and about 8 months  old. missing on Harper street and my phone  number.
Thanks  Shan.


  ____________________________________________________


  
From:David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  9.26am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re:  Poster


  
Dear  Shannon,
That  is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down  when I read your email and not half way up a  ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am  surprised you managed to attend work at all what  with thinking about Missy out there cold,  frightened and alone... possibly lying on the  side of the road, her back legs squashed by a  vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are  you?" 
Although I have two clients  expecting completed work this afternoon, I will,  of course, drop everything and do whatever it  takes to facilitate the speedy return of  Missy.
 
Regards,  David. 
 
____________________________________________________


  
From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  9.37am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re:  Poster

yeah  ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am  really worried about mine. I have to leave at  
 1pm today. 

____________________________________________________


  
From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.17am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re:  Poster

Dear Shannon,
 
I  never said I don't like cats. Once, having been  invited to a party, I went clothes shopping  beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star  boots. They were two sizes too small but I  wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear  them without socks and cut my toenails very  short. As the party was only a few blocks from  my place, I decided to walk. After the first  block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving  at the party, I stumbled into a guy named  Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his  white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched  me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat  down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The  surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven  to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and  strike his forehead onto the corner of a  speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In  its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving  Steven with a foul stain down the back of his  beige cargo pants. I liked that  cat.
 
Attached  poster as requested.
 
Regards,  David. 




____________________________________________________


  
From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.24am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking  for at all. it looks like a movie and how come  the photo of Missy is so  small?
 

____________________________________________________


  
From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.28am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Poster

Dear Shannon,
 
It's  a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative  space. 
Regards,  David. 
 
____________________________________________________


  
From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.33am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it  properly please? I am extremely emotional over  this and was up all night in tears. you seem to  think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger  please and fix the text and do it in colour  please. Thanks.
 
____________________________________________________


  
From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.46am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Poster

Dear Shannon,
 
Having  worked with designers for a few years now, I  would have assumed you understood, despite our  vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome  constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs  and tell you how to send text messages, log onto  Facebook and look out of the window. I am  willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no  doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy  attempting to make her way home across busy  intersections or being trapped in a drain as it  slowly fills with water. I spent three days down  a well once but that was just for  fun.
 
I  have amended and attached the poster as per your  instructions.
Regards,  David.




____________________________________________________


  
From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.59am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Poster

This is worse than the other  one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo  of Missy and delete the stupid text that says  missing missy off it? I just want it to say  Lost.
 

____________________________________________________


  
From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  11.14am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Re: Poster




____________________________________________________


  
From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  11.21am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the  poster or not? I just want a photo and the word  lost and the telephone number and when and where  she was lost and her name. Not like a movie  poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early  today. If it was your cat I would help you.  Thanks.
 

____________________________________________________


  
From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  11.32am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear  Shannon,
 
I  don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a  friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it  off at my apartment and explained the concept of  kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed  cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it.  If I wanted to feed something and clean feces,  I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after  her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to  collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home  and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed  to put enough stamps on the package and he had  to collect it from the post office and pay  eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that  sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I  have attached the amended version of your poster  as per your detailed  instructions.
 
Regards,  David. 




____________________________________________________


  
From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  11.47am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats  not my cat. where did you get that picture from?  That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my  cat.
 

____________________________________________________


  
From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  11.58am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I  know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite  possibly met any one of several violent ends, it  is possible you might get a better cat out of  this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen  your orange cat but I did find a black and white  one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you  want it?" you can politely decline and save  yourself a costly veterinarian  bill.
 
I  knew someone who had a basset hound that had its  hind legs removed after an accident and it had  to walk around with one of those little buggies  with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have  asked for all its legs to be removed and  replaced with wheels and had a remote control  installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for  rides and enter it in races. If I did the same  with a horse I could drive it to work. I would  call it Steven.
Regards,  David. 
 
____________________________________________________


  
From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  
 12.07pm
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re:  Awww

Please just use the photo I gave  you.
 

____________________________________________________


From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  
 12.22pm
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Awww


 ____________________________________________________

  
From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  
 12.34pm
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I  dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put  that there for? Apart from that it is perfect  can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks  Shan.
 

____________________________________________________


  
From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  
 12.42pm
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Awww




____________________________________________________


  
From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  
 12.51pm
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Awww

Can you just please take the  reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in  ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies  of it.


____________________________________________________


  
From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  
 12.56pm
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Re: Awww




____________________________________________________


  
From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  
 1.03pm
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to  do.