August 5th…

I haven't shared much at all about my divorce. Those who know me in real life know more details, but for many reasons, I really have tried to keep it off the internet. I don't want things said in anger or emotional turmoil to end up haunting me for years to come. And while I'm a very public person, I do have parts that I chose to keep personal. That all being said, today, I'm choosing to write. 

Today, August 5th, would have been Jason and I's 13th wedding anniversary. 

In years past, I would have changed my Facebook profile picture to a wedding picture depicting us all young, shiny and in love. I would have written something about love and partnership and the adoration of marriage. And I can honestly say that it was always truthful and from the heart. 

Today, I stare at the date and try to evaluate my feelings. I prepared for this particular anniversary by finally removing all the wedding pictures from the walls and wrapping up my dried white rose bouquet that has been on display for almost 13 years. Of course, I cried; A chapter of my life is closing. When I think about the past 13 years I can't help but just be amazed by how much has happened, how much I have grown and changed. I think about the 25 year old bride I was, and the 38 year old woman, and mother, that I've become. And even with how things have turned out, I don't regret having married Jason 13 years ago. 

When you ask divorced couples if they had any doubts before walking down the aisle, many will say they did. Many will tell you that they felt they had to go on with the wedding at that point, even though they didn't want to. Maybe it's because I'm the eternal optimist, but that was not the case with me. And while where we stand today may not be where I imagined we would end up when we spoke our vows on that warm August day in 2000, I know that I was meant to have this experience. I was meant to have my kids. I was meant to learn about myself and grow into this particular woman.

I was meant to spend 15+ years with Jason. 

People keep asking me if I'm okay, and honestly, I am. I may not be "skipping through the flower fields happy" at my marriage ending, but I am in a good place. I've learned a lot about myself (too much?) and I know that no matter how hard the logistics are, how challenging the change is, I know this is what is best for me, my kids, and even Jason. It may not be traditional fairy tale ending, but in truth, "they lived happily ever after" is more realistic for us today than it was last year at this time. And that is ok to admit. 

So tonight, August 5th 2013, I'm going to pop a bottle of champagne to celebrate the past and toast to the future. 

My future. 

The Right Words

As a professional communicator, I’m rarely at a loss for words. In fact, I am what I like to call an “advance thinker” – one who has a plan for every scenario. At work and in life, I try to have a plan for every situation so that I can be sure to have the most appropriate, thoughtful response. So when someone tells me she’s pregnant, getting married, lost weight, had a miscarriage or lost a beloved pet, I trust that I know what to say. It’s no exaggeration to say that I even know how I’ll respond if my kids one day tell me they’re gay.

My list of “proper and sensitive responses” comes from years of paying attention to people’s reactions to news – both mine and others’ – because I never want to say the wrong thing or act the wrong way purely out of shock. You know how it is: Someone tells us something life-changing, or sad, or happy, and our first reaction is always some form of stunned surprise. Even if you knew your best friend had been trying to get pregnant, or were already aware of a colleague’s life-threatening illness, the actual moment when words are formed and reality is confirmed can’t be anything but shocking.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve experienced that moment time and again, when I’ve disclosed that my husband of 12 ½ years and I are separating.

Because I constantly think about how I would want to be told news, and what words would elicit which reaction, I thought I was prepared for everything … but I wasn’t. It turns out I had no expectations of how to tell people or receive their reactions to our impending divorce. With a few good friends, the initial response was a sigh. With others, it was more of a gasp. Some cried; others simply gave me a hug.

But the comment I will tuck away for moments in the future when it may be needed for someone else is this one: “I am sorry for the pain you are currently in.”

That short sentence struck me. The choice of words was just, well … perfect. And of all the mantras I’ve compiled to repeat to myself to get me through the next breath, that one stuck. Because no matter what the back-story is – the details, the who said/did whats – two adults and two children are currently in pain. Pain from change, pain from the unknown, pain for the future suddenly not being what they thought it was going to be.

Our lives will be forever altered by the word “divorce,” but amid the emotions and planning, right now I’m focusing on not letting the word define us. It’s just our current situation.

Note: Next week, I’ll be attending the blog conference Mom 2.0. I wrote this post to be cathartic, but also to give my friends and fellow attendees a heads-up. The blogging community has been a huge part of Jason’s and my lives over the last 8 years, and the decision to go forward with my plans to attend has been an exercise in courage. I will not be sharing details of our separation, but will happily take a hug (or a drink) next week. Being there is just another step to help me move forward and move on from our current situation.