I kinda hate December
Wednesday, December 8, 2010 at 2:29PM I'm going to be honest here. As much as I decorate, bake, take pictures and smile, I kinda hate the month of December. I try so hard to like it. I do the cards, the tree and crafts for my kids because for them it should be magical. For me, it's not.
There are many annoyances that go into my dislike of the holidays, but there is one main reason...the first Christmas we had as a family with kids, the year that should have been this month of happiness as we introduce our first child to this time that Hallmark tells us should be all about love and magic, we spent worrying that our baby was going to die.
December 2, 2004 Lucas started showing the first signs of Kawasaki Disease...by December 5, 2004 he was admitted into Rady's Children's Hospital. December 6th I held my precious 9 month old as they sedated him to do an EKG on his heart and felt the life slip out of him as he was put into a deep sleep - one that he would wake up from 2 hours too early, screaming and thrashing, and inconsolable. We kept telling ourselves we were lucky...there was no lasting heart damage, they caught it in time, he was treated and he was going to be okay. But we spent that whole month, one that should have been filled with parties and joy, in and out of multiple doctor's offices, wondering if our baby was going to live.
The week before Christmas I lost it in a doctor's appointment. My OB and Pediatrician were in the same office, so they pulled me out of the room and talked to me and diagnosed me with Post Partum Depression. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. I didn't do cards and by the 20th of that month I hadn't even bought a present. While some may have looked at that month and focused on the positive, that my child was healthy and was going to be okay, I focused on how the first Christmas with my first child was ruined... and that was something I could never get back.
Flash forward 3 years to December 2007. Zoe, born November 1 weighing 4 lbs 15.5 oz at 38 weeks, was barely 4 weeks old. She wasn't gaining weight. She was nursing every 2 hours for 45 minutes at a time. I couldn't put her down for more than 10 minutes. She was so little...and I wasn't sleeping, my c/s incision was infected, I wasn't working and since I'm self employed, there was no disability. We were budgeted to the penny and something happens with Jason's car that rendered it useless for 2 weeks and cost us almost $1000. Once again, mid-December, my OB diagnosed me with my old friend PPD. In addition to losing Lucas' first Christmas, I then, also lost Zoe's.
I make the effort, I do the things that I know I need to do, but for the time being, the spirit and magic of the season is lost to me. I try to build happy memories to replace the sad ones by going overboard with things like handmade decorations and gingerbread houses, but then I just get stressed out and anal retentive about everything BEING PERFECT. People kinda make fun of me for almost always sending the first, or one of the first, cards they get in the mail. But the real reason is because if I don't get them out before December 1, I know they just wouldn't get done.
I've come to a place where I expect to hate this month. This year, December has brought death into the lives of people I love and drama where none needed to be. We are only 8 days in, and this month has already exhausted me. But I'm still giving it the old college try. I have a wonderful husband that puts up with my December Blahs. I am a founding partner in what is turning out to be a very successful website launch. I have clients that I'm happy and excited to be working with. And I have some amazing friends. Old friends and new friends; people that touch my soul in different ways.
And most importantly, I have this:
2 Happy, Healthy, Silly Kids
PPD in Holidays, LaLaLaLife 
Reader Comments (9)
More and more people are echoing the same sentiments. Seems to me that dreading the holidays is now the norm and not the exception. We all have our reasons and yours are completely valid. Some try to (unsuccessfully) recreate childhood memories while others seem haunted by Christmas past.I struggle too. I become anxious and agitated and find myself yelling as a form of release, not quite the holiday spirit I would wish on anyone. Finding myself at the holidays and being quiet for a moment so I can center myself and just explore the feelings the season seems to bring on has helped me get through each day. That and dark chocolate, yep chocolate def helps. :)
Oh, big hugs and thanks for sharing your stories. I still heart you and thank everyday that I met you :) Also, love that shirt that Zoe is wearing...must have!
Thank you so much for posting this. I have been dealing with something similar. It is tainting my holidays. I just spent some time alone in my room crying. I am sucking the fun out of the holidays for everyone around me. A GIANT hug to you. Thank you for your candor. Let's try and motivate each other to let go of the past and embrace what we have instead. Love you my friend. And thank you so much for your candor. You have inspired me.
Thank you for such an honest and raw post.
I feel like I rush through the month: a full time job, a million events and activities and things to do and I'm not giving my children the holiday magic they deserve. The pressure is insane.
Your kids are gorgeous though. :)
I hear you!! It's so true. Granted, I do not have the particular (heart wrenching) reasons behind it that you do, but the holidays are a major drain. It seems that from Halloween through the end of year is a total blur.
(and I admire your card coming first - I look forward to it!!!)
Big hugs your way.
And we came to visit that Christmas? That in and of itself should cheer you up;)! I know this is a hard time for you to remember that scary time, but moving forward by putting those special touches into the holidays is the best thing you can do for Lucas and Zoe. Plus you're so good at it!
Thank you all for your kinds words...I hesitated posting this. I don't normally get so personal and serious and open on here (as of late) but this week has been pretty emotionally fueled and I needed to get it out.
Also, I do try and mention Kawasaki Disease as often as possible since it's such a hard illness to diagnose... knowledge of the illness is the best fight anyone has for their kids...
Two words for next year: MELE KALIKIMAKA.
I love you and if I was there I'd give you a giant hug! I smell a wine play date!