Freedom, Air Bags and a little look at relationships

A few weeks ago a few of us mamas found ourselves out at a high-end Rancho Santa Fe restaurant/lounge for a glass of wine after a dinner party. Sitting off to the side of the room, talking amongst ourselves we ended up being approached by an older man (late 50’s?) who wasn’t so much looking for love as he was looking for therapy. Inebriated and hoping that flashing his AMEX black card would impress us enough to agree with him, he started telling us the story of the demise of his marriage. While at first it seemed he and his wife fell into the trap of drifting apart while in the final stages of raising three children, two glasses of wine later we came to the conclusion that his “one meaningless discretion” was really more like years of multiple discretions – oh, and apparently his wife didn’t appreciate all his hard work over the years.

While still working on impressing us, he brought over this old man (79?) and introduced him as the man who invented airbags.  Yes, the safety feature that is standard in all cars since 1980 something. WAY more fascinating than a middle age cheater on the verge of a meltdown in the middle of Mille Fleurs, Woody went on to tell us about his 50 or so patents, and that while 40 years later airbags in his own car saved his life in a head-on collision, it wasn’t even the most profitable of his inventions. This man invented something that later SAVED his life. How meta is that? And what does that say about one’s own personal destiny? It’s almost too mind- scrambling to think about. Like time travel. Or math.

A few weeks before that evening I started reading the Jonathan Franzen book Freedom. When I first put the book on my bedside table, Jason raised his eyebrow and commented about the book being “pretty highbrow “ for me. This immediately made me fear the book. Coupled with comments from people about how they couldn’t put the book down, and how it was one of the best books of the year, I was discouraged by my initial reactions to the book. Hard to get into…emotionally heavy…depressing…it took me about 2 months to get through it.  If you haven’t read it – the book is all about the relationships we have as humans, how our lives turn out, disappointments, and the misunderstandings that we all encounter along the way.

Laying in bed last night around 11:30, trying to sleep, I kept thinking about the characters of the book and how not being honest with each other and assuming they knew what the other was really thinking impacted the outcome of their lives. Then I think back to Jeeter McCheater and the lies that he told his wife over the years, and the emotions that she must have felt but never talked to him about, and I wonder how things may have changed for them if at one point either of them was just honest. And I thought about Woody, who one day had an idea that has since saved millions of lives, including his own. And I thought of my kids, asleep in other rooms, and how am I going to help them to be the best that they can be, love them, encourage them and challenge them without screwing them up somehow?

And I thought about what "Freedom" meant to me…and then I lay awake in a semi-panic attack for 45 minutes. 

What? You thought I was going to have a life-changing revelation ending? If anything, it’s don’t read this book while trying to go to sleep – oh, and buy a car with airbags.

I kinda hate December

I'm going to be honest here. As much as I decorate, bake, take pictures and smile, I kinda hate the month of December. I try so hard to like it. I do the cards, the tree and crafts for my kids because for them it should be magical. For me, it's not. 

There are many annoyances that go into my dislike of the holidays, but there is one main reason...the first Christmas we had as a family with kids, the year that should have been this month of happiness as we introduce our first child to this time that Hallmark tells us should be all about love and magic, we spent worrying that our baby was going to die. 

December 2, 2004 Lucas started showing the first signs of Kawasaki Disease...by December 5, 2004 he was admitted into Rady's Children's Hospital. December 6th I held my precious 9 month old as they sedated him to do an EKG on his heart and felt the life slip out of him as he was put into a deep sleep - one that he would wake up from 2 hours too early, screaming and thrashing, and inconsolable. We kept telling ourselves we were lucky...there was no lasting heart damage, they caught it in time, he was treated and he was going to be okay. But we spent that whole month, one that should have been filled with parties and joy, in and out of multiple doctor's offices, wondering if our baby was going to live.

The week before Christmas I lost it in a doctor's appointment. My OB and Pediatrician were in the same office, so they pulled me out of the room and talked to me and diagnosed me with Post Partum Depression. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. I didn't do cards and by the 20th of that month I hadn't even bought a present. While some may have looked at that month and focused on the positive, that my child was healthy and was going to be okay, I focused on how the first Christmas with my first child was ruined... and that was something I could never get back. 

Flash forward 3 years to December 2007. Zoe, born November 1 weighing 4 lbs 15.5 oz at 38 weeks, was barely 4 weeks old. She wasn't gaining weight. She was nursing every 2 hours for 45 minutes at a time. I couldn't put her down for more than 10 minutes. She was so little...and I wasn't sleeping, my c/s incision was infected, I wasn't working and since I'm self employed, there was no disability. We were budgeted to the penny and something happens with Jason's car that rendered it useless for 2 weeks and cost us almost $1000. Once again, mid-December, my OB diagnosed me with my old friend PPD. In addition to losing Lucas' first Christmas, I then, also lost Zoe's.

I make the effort, I do the things that I know I need to do, but for the time being, the spirit and magic of the season is lost to me. I try to build happy memories to replace the sad ones by going overboard with things like handmade decorations and gingerbread houses, but then I just get stressed out and anal retentive about everything BEING PERFECT. People kinda make fun of me for almost always sending the first, or one of the first, cards they get in the mail. But the real reason is because if I don't get them out before December 1, I know they just wouldn't get done. 

I've come to a place where I expect to hate this month. This year, December has brought death into the lives of people I love and drama where none needed to be. We are only 8 days in, and this month has already exhausted me. But I'm still giving it the old college try. I have a wonderful husband that puts up with my December Blahs. I am a founding partner in what is turning out to be a very successful website launch. I have clients that I'm happy and excited to be working with. And I have some amazing friends. Old friends and new friends; people that touch my soul in different ways.

And most importantly, I have this:

2 Happy, Healthy, Silly Kids

Team Cyber Monday!

I have to say that I was astonished by the amount of people I knew that got themselves out of the house and to the stores by 4 AM the day after Thanksgiving. I'm a shopper, I'm a deal hunter, but SLEEP takes precedent over it all. Also, I'm not so much interested in risking my life to save $5 on a Barbie doll. 

I take gift giving very seriously. While the old adage states that it's the "thought that counts," that is only true IF there really is thought put into the gift. We are in a recession, everyone has pulled back and budgeted and is thinking about how much they are spending - but are they actually thinking of WHAT they are spending money on? To me, a good present is one that matches a person perfectly - from personality to color to likes. When you see it, you know that present was meant for that person. Can that really be accomplished at 3 AM when you are bum-rushing a Wal-Mart and trying not to get trampled in the process?

To me shopping is an art. It takes time, patience and you need to know where to go and what to look for. But I guess that doesn't matter when you have kids and all they care about is the Fashion Fairy Tale Barbie and a Fushigi ball.  But I too love a good deal, and that's why I'm planning on hitting up the Internets tomorrow in search of some deals.  

That is, after my TV appearance...

Theresa from RockOnMommies and I are going to be on San Diego Fox 5 sometime between 8:30-9:00 AM talking about where we'll be shopping online tomorrow. Lauren from Buy With Me set it up, and just a hint, if you are looking for the PERFECT gift for me anyone who loves pampering, check out BWM tomorrow for their steal of the day. 

Now, I need to figure out what I'm going to wear. 

Top 5 Reasons why not to attempt to make Bobby Flay's pumpkin bread pudding this Thanksgiving

As many of you know, blogger Ree Drummond (aka Pioneer Woman) was featured last week on Bobby Flay's Throwndown. Many of her fans and jealous fellow bloggers tuned in to watch her kick Bobby Flay's butt at a homestyle Thanksgiving feast at her ranch home in Oklahoma. 

The big talk of the show was the fact that Mr. Flay did not make a traditional pie for dessert, but instead made a pumpkin bread pudding that was apparently SO good, Ree's own daughter told the world she preferred it to her mom's pecan pie. Being housebound and sick for the majority of the week, I went through this "I NEED TO DO SOMETHING" phase on Sunday night and had a great idea: make this delicious treat for my family. With visions of grandeur that included bring this dessert to others' houses and hear them exclaim "Oh, my! The best thing I've ever eaten!", I set out to make this Thanksgiving dessert that tops all desserts.

And. Well. Um. 

Now I bring you my Top 5 Reasons why you should not even bother to attempt to make Bobby Flay's pumpkin bread pudding this Thanksgiving:

1) The Ingredients will cost you about $50

This recipe boasts a wide variety of unique ingredients. Which, in layman's terms means there is a lot of stuff that you don't already have on hand and you have to go out and buy specifically for this recipe. We like to cook around here, and while I did have a $10 bottle of "pure maple syrup," we did not have whole vanilla beans, star anise or even apple schnapps. Ingredients that if you can even find at your local grocery store, will total about $30 for those 3 alone...add to that 2 dozen eggs, whole milk, half and half AND heavy whipping cream, ginger and a bottle of Bourbon because you decided to get all Mad Men this season and have odd 1960's drinks while watching the show every week, and you have a pretty pricey dessert in the making. 

2) Time

According to the actual recipe, the thing takes 5 hours 20 minutes start to finish to make start to finish. Add in the fact that you are not a real chef and you may have to stop and yell at your kids to stop running through the kitchen 10 DIFFERENT TIMES, brings it up to 6+ hours. Yes, you can make parts of it days in advance, but then you just upped your cooking to time to days instead of hours. Quel Bore.

3) Your roasting pan may have other things going on

Now, I've never made bread pudding before, but you have to cook the dish inside a roasting pan filled with water. Now I would venture to guess, and I could be wrong, that the majority of us only have one roasting pan. And it's Thanksgiving. I'm thinking roasting pans will have more important things to cook...like the turkey? And even if you are buying your bird cooked, or you are frying it or smoking it or whatever else, I'm thinking there are other things to be 'a roasting.

4) Space, Bowls and Utensils 

Now if I were a master chef with a giant kitchen, it would be different. I would be able to have things a little more under control, but this was one of those projects that took 6 different bowls, a saucepan, 2 prep areas and a burner to put together. And that was just the actual making of the bread pudding part. I'm not even talking about the making of either sauces or of the pumpkin bread itself. And really, thats just what you need on Thanksgiving - less working counter space and few more bowls to clean. 

5) What if it doesn't really turn out? 

Once again, this was my first attempt at a bread pudding. After someone forgot a few ingredients at the store, I ditched the making of both of the sauces, hoping the actual bread pudding would be enough of a treat. Also, I created just a smidge... I used boxed Trader Joe's pumpkin bread mix. Besides that, I followed the directions to a T. And the result? Eh. Something wasn't right. Now, the flavor was still there, and I see how it probably is mind-blowing amazing tasting, but the rest of it was just *off*. 

Bobby's:

Mine:

Then again, being *off* didn't really stop me...

No matter what you bake, have a very happy Thanksgiving!!

The sun will come out, tomorrow...

Today marks day 3 of the cold/flu that has officially kicked my ass. I say officially because today, I missed brunch at LIPS with my MOMfia girls - something that I've been dying to do for years and that has been on the calendar for a month, and I couldn't rally. Instead, I got in back in bed. I'm a rally girl; I pull it out and make the party. So for me to miss eggs Benedict and Mimosas served by Drag Queens, you know I was really freaking ill.

Surrounded by wadded up tissues and cough drop wrappers, with the rain hitting the slide glass doors, I hunker down for day 2 of old movies and bad TV. Yesterday I had the opportunity to finally watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, an abomination in SO many ways, although I am now thinking I should finally take my wedding dress from the closet at my Mom's house and maybe ENCLOSE IT IN MY CLOSET WALL like Adrienne. As I'm flicking through the guide, Zoe walks in and crawls in bed with me. Not sure if it's the rainy weather or if she's not feeling all that hot either, but its decided: It's a movie day. While the boys are downstairs watching Lord of the Rings, I decide it's time for Zoe to see my equivalent of Star Wars - Annie. 

This was the movie I remember shaping my childhood. I remember seeing the movie in the theatre and wishing I was Aileen Quinn. I had the soundtrack that I made my parents play over and over on the record player as I danced around with dishcloths. I listened to that record so many times that I think I wore it out, and to this day I still know all the words to each song. 

Zoe loves movies with singing and dancing. She's been taking ballet and tap for a few months now and loves to watch tap dancing routines. We climbed into bed and started watching. By the time Annie was snuck out of the orphanage in Mr. Bundles laundry basket, I knew she was hooked. She looked at me with her big brown eyes and exclaimed "Oh, no! What happen to Annie?" and I had to assure her Annie was okay. During "We got Annie" she finally caved in and jumped up and started dancing. She sat riveted and clutching my hand when Rooster chased Annie up the raised train track and cheered when Punjab rescued her with the "Orocopter." And when it ended, she looked at me and yelled "Again! Again! We watch Annie AGAIN!"

While I'm not sure the sun will come out for us tomorrow - both literally as it's supposed to rain more - and figuratively with this never end germ-fest that may have been the reason that Zoe puked on the couch tonight, the sunshine of my day was sharing this special piece of my childhood with my baby girl.